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Monday, 30 November 2009

  • a moment with god?

    (written to my friend a couple months back)

    i snuck outside my house about a half hour ago to the driveway to have a cigarette.  (yes, i know what you are thinking~)  wtf?  a cigarette?!?!?! am i crazy?  maybe i am.  i had not touched one in over 2 months until last night.  this was my second time sneaking out to have one.  it felt so good yesterday that i had the urge to do it again.  it was just so exhilarating just having that taste in my mouth and retardedly victorious knowing no one had any idea what i was doing.  it was like my own personal moment to get away. 

    i looked up at the sky... the clouds were a hue of burnt orange which threw me off a bit.  the night sky was filled with sooooo many clouds i was slightly disappointed that the stars weren't going to accompany me on this fucked up moment of mine like they did the night before.  then i noticed one, single, bright star and like the cornball that i am, i recited the whole star light star bright bullshit and made my wish.  i stared at it for a while and began my mini conversation with god when i noticed that the one star separated into two like it was god's eyes staring right at me.  i looked away... concentrated on the lights of other houses to see if my contacts were just bugging out... nothing.  then i went back to looking at that same star which was one again... and it did the same thing.  it was just the weirdest thing and i wanted to share that with you.


    could have been delirium given i have been sleep deprived.  either way it was a special moment for me.  in about a week or so, i get off my meds from the surgery.  seemed like forever then... now not so much.  i couldn't have a drop of alcohol all this time.  there were times where the frustration killed me bc i had no vice.  i had the party/socializing carpet portion of my life pulled out from underneath me and i couldn't do anything about it. 

    i've been looking forward to getting completely shitfaced for the month of december.  from my best friend's birthday the first week, mine the following, christmas eve, christmas and new year's eve.  to be honest, i'm not so excited anymore but it'll be nice to know that i can have a drink when i want one finally. 

    i need to stop thinking that i am invincible because i'm not. 

     

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

  • i was the moth to his flame....

     

    i've always been strong when it came to relationships.  even stronger when it came to cutting my losses and moving on.  some called me cold-hearted even.  but, i've got to say this was a first.  where i let my guard down, gave my all not confident in knowing if i was going to get the same or even half in return. 

    some may question, why did i do it then? 

    i don't have the answer to it myself either.  i took a chance, a risk.  a definite first in where i loved someone and they didn't.  the thing is i didn't mean to fall in love.  he approached me out of no where.  when i least expected it.  things happened and not too shortly after we met, love happened.  i didn't realize it, couldn't even explain why.  but the point is i did.   

    its funny to say that you lost something when it was never yours to begin with.  what's in a title???  nothing.and.everything.  almost 2 years with this man that refused to commit, show & admit to emotions even till' the very end.  even after i had laid everything out on the table.  before i went into the hospital for my surgery thinking it may be my very last, i had my best friend deliver a letter for me.  i was too much of a coward to give it to him myself.  a 9 page love letter that bared my raw heart & soul.  i remember holding a towel to my face with my right hand as i wrote with my left so my tears wouldn't stain the pages.  i wanted it to be perfect.  it was the first time i was being honest with him with my emotions in a year & half  'with' him.  i know he knew how i really felt about him just from my looks.  it was where i told him for the first time in words, leaving cold hard evidence, i whole-heartedly loved him.  i thought i had pretty much done most of the many firsts in life already.  he introduced me to another side of firsts. 

    he wasn't there.  at my hardest times when i needed him the most.  when i wanted him the most.  it was bad enough to be dealing with the physical pain.  my life was on hold when everyone else was going on with theirs. even after the pain subsided, the emotional and mental pain was unbearable.  his actions spoke louder than his sweet words and texts.  it didn't really dawn on me till' recently.  i know, really pathetic.  disappointing even bc this is really not me which is why i chose to let go.  i had to.  it wasn't something i was ready or wanted to do but i really didn't have a choice.  i let it go for too long.  before i lost anymore respect for myself.... to think love can swallow you whole.  when it's not balanced, it's bound to happen i guess. 

    it was beautiful while it lasted.  like i mentioned in my letter to him, i will always cherish and remember every moment with him.  but i can't keep knocking at a door that refuses to open.  it was just never going to be.  i deserve more!  if i was delusional enough to allow myself to think he loved and cared for me once, then i can surely convince myself that what i did was the right thing.  one.step.at.a.time.  hopefully, i'll realize it sooner than later.   

    this is all a part of my healing process.  yes, my face is plastered on this site.  yes, i'm putting it out there regardless who may be reading this, who may recognize me in the street.  the thing i realize about all this, it isn't real if i can't be honest.  i can't reflect if i can't face my own truths. 

    i.will.move.on.

    "love is beautiful but is also known to cause blindness, mental illness, desensitize and loss of one's self.  not recommended for those that are weak and ALL should proceed with caution."      ~me
    (in attempt to humor my own self so please laugh, this quote is meant to be funny~)

     

Monday, 26 October 2009

  • the man i wait for....

     

    the cold night air makes his strong entrance as he tousles the front part of my hair.  he then sneaks his way in ever-so-gently grazing and lingering past the tip of my nose, lips, shoulders, down to my wiggling pedicured feet leaving me with a slight chill on the places he's been tonight.  i'm snuggled under my comforters.  the warmth of my body begins a small seductive dance of lavender, ylang ylang, & neroli that hangs delicately from my neck.  all combined to help me relax, find a serene and calm place and most importantly bring me to a place where i so wish to be right now. 

    an escape from my thoughts, my worst fears, doubts.   only here do i know i can recharge myself.  though, i completely let my guard down and allow you to take full control, when i wake... i know all that is mine and yours is returned back to me allowing me once again to be the strong woman i have always been. 

    so tonight.... i wait.  

    it's been months, i miss you, desperately need & want you......................mr.sandman.          

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

  • lucky number 13

     

    i was on the phone with my friend, moe earlier tonight. 

    his attempt: 

    to snap me back into reality and out of the pathetic hole (that resembles much like a grave) i've made for myself.  he slapped me with his words.  i was neither offended or hurt but appreciative of the fact that he cared enough to say the things he did.  it took me some time to get into this hole but i assure you, i will get out of it and back on my own two feet.  and for you, i'll try even harder to get out of it a bit faster.  when it comes to opinions and the truth, i'd much rather have one just say it than sugar coat it for me.  i'm a big girl.... i can handle it. 

    it was then... something caught my attention on yahoo's frontpage about an orionid meteor shower.  it was a little past midnight and it was going to start around 1am until the predawn hours of today.  i was gonna drive up to the catskills.  knowing i was going by myself, moe talked me out of it after he had made the suggestion.  either way i was going to see a meteor shower... it's not like i was going to be able to sleep any time soon.   

    my 1st attempt: 

    hopped into my car and just started heading north on the palisades interstate parkway.  i specifically chose that route because the road is dark.  i had no idea where exactly i was going... wherever the road and my instinct would lead me.  i had evanescence blasting while i sang along, screaming my lungs out.  the songs were a perfect accompaniment to what seemed like never ending drive into an abyss with the silhouette of black trees.  this soooo should've been a scene in twilight.  anyways, i needed this.  i started getting text messages and HAD to respond while driving.  (yes, i know it's dangerous)  despite my skill of texting and driving, i found myself swerving a little so i got off an exit and continued to drive.  i had no idea where i was, ended up getting lost AND my battery was running low so i couldn't access navigation through my phone.  i managed to get back home after going round' in circles.  so much for the open road and instinct.   

    my 2nd attempt:  (yes, there really was attempt #2)

    i was so bummed and still so much wanted to see the meteor shower so i grabbed an extra battery to my phone, got directions to the area i wanted to go and headed out the door AGAIN.  seriously should've done this the first time.  i drove to the village of piermont and found a small parking lot with boats on it.  it was really dark.  almost perfect.  the sky wasn't completely clear.  some clouds here and there.  i shut off the engine, locked the doors and stayed inside the car.  rolled down my window and stuck my head out and looked up.  it was beautiful.  soooo many stars!  still had evanescence playing in the background but softly because i was in a residential area.  it actually started getting creepy so i shut the music off, rolled my window back up and decided to open the sun roof instead.  i kept imagining some fucker creeping up to my car smacking my head with a stick or reaching in to grab me.  i had to b-r-e-a-t-h-e and talk myself out of this crazy thought because it was ruining the moment.  i went back to waiting while reciting "starlight star bright bullshit" and made a wish on the brightest star.  (i am corny!  whatever!)  i'm not religious and if anything, lost a lot of faith... if not all when it comes to god but i started to have a conversation with him.  telling him what i wanted most, asking him questions, expressing my frustration/anger/resentment. 

    i didn't see a meteor shower but i saw 13 shooting stars.  that itself was an amazing and enlightening experience.  i drove back home (relieved because to be honest, i was still a bit scared) with a stiff neck but was totally worth it.  i finally found some kind of contentment today. 

     

     

Monday, 19 October 2009

  • broken-hearted (part 2)

     

    ..........all i heard was surgery as a single tear rolled down my cheek.  this definitely had to be some sick joke.  i didn't want to believe it.  i went for a second opinion and another and another for a total of 4.  they all told me the same thing.  i needed surgery right away.   

    my diagnosis:  literally a broken heart or in my case a leaking heart.  a mitral valve prolapse.  severe regurgitation of the blood and was needing either a valve repair or replacement. 

    i wasn't the only one surprised or thrown off by all this.  when i was being called in from the waiting room to the doctor's office, i'd rise from an area of frail, white/gray heads with wheelchairs/walkers.  they'd verify and ask me again if i was ms. kang.  this was not normal.  it sure as fuck wasn't because the doctors could not explain the reason as to why & what caused the sudden change in my heart.  just some educated guesses. 

    the mystery of it all:  i did not have rheumatic fever as a child.  nor had ever have a history of a heart murmur or any other heart conditions.  when i had bronchitis last year, was examined, had ekg & chest x-ray done, NOTHING was detected other than the fact my brochitis was borderlining pneumonia (thanks to the cigarettes)  i truly believe i was cursed but that'll be a controversial story for another day.   

    so how is it that within a year, a person suddenly develops such a severe heart condition?   it is just something i will never know and have just accepted but i will tell you this... it is NOT something i have had for a while and did not know about or was just not detected by previous physicians.     

    the reality of it all, i was 29 and was scheduled for heart surgery august 26, 2009.  i was in denial, miserable being confined to the house... mostly in my bedroom because my family didn't want me to be exposed to germs that could make matters worse.  the surgeons would not be able to perform the surgery if i had an infection of any kind.  the time before surgery i was overwhelmed with bitterness, anger, depression to the point i got quite suicidal with my thoughts, i now realize this was all a blessing in disguise.  i just had almost lost it with the will to live despite the luck i ran into. 

    my luck of finding out before it was all too late.  i would've had about 5 years before my heart dilated to the point where it couldn't expand any further and just stop beating all together.  my current cardiologist, dr. dennis kelly and surgeon dr. jock mccullough are truly my greatest angels in disguise.  dr. kelly just kept me at ease & ultimately the one that recommended and spoke with my surgeon about my situation.  i had no health insurance.  what would've easily been over $100,000 (another cost of my wedding) everything came to less than one tenth of that with dr. mccullough taking my situation as a charity case and getting charity care from the hospital the very last minute.  my surgeon was able to do a valve repair (not replacement) with port access procedure which was more cosmetically pleasing with smaller incisions underneath the right breast, through the rib cage and groin area.  the standard way would've been a cut straight down the middle and sawing through of the breastbone not to mention a much longer recovery period.  

    i was in the ICU for 2 days, discharged from the hospital after a total of 4 days and recovered back to almost 100% at home the past month and a half.  time could not have gone by slower forcing me to stare at reality in the face and really think about myself/life all together.  there could not have been more of a crazier rollercoaster ride of emotions.  though physically i am almost fully recovered, i have still a ways to go to recover emotionally and mentally.  this has truly been a life altering experience and a wakeup call with many things.  lastly,  i could not have been more grateful for the love, prayers and support from the amazing doctors/surgeons/nurses, family, friends and others throughout this journey. 

    so thank you~ 

    p.s.  writing has always helped me in so many ways.  though i always have something to write about, i stopped updating so frequently on xanga because i felt it was getting all too personal for me.  i wanted to hide.  in no way was this for the whole boo-hoo me factor but for me to share my experience.  if there's one thing i can't stand is when people pity me.  perhaps, i may be able to help someone out there even if it is not the same thing they are going through. 

    maybe for some you'll see the lesson in that your health/life/relationships should not be taken for granted.  (because i am so guilty of all three!!)  things happen where i will be tested.  i'll experience more than the average person.   it is more clear to me now more than ever.  most of them will go & have gone unexplained and with no reason or answers.  the whole point is how you finish and get through it.  i can't go through shit in life if i can't comes to terms with it.  i just need to accept sometimes it is what it is and it's up to me to make the most of it and come out on top. 

    again, i am not all quite there yet but i'm headed in that direction.....one step at a time.                

     

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