..........all i heard was surgery as a single tear rolled down my cheek. this definitely had to be some sick joke. i didn't want to believe it. i went for a second opinion and another and another for a total of 4. they all told me the same thing. i needed surgery right away.
my diagnosis: literally a broken heart or in my case a leaking heart. a mitral valve prolapse. severe regurgitation of the blood and was needing either a valve repair or replacement.
i wasn't the only one surprised or thrown off by all this. when i was being called in from the waiting room to the doctor's office, i'd rise from an area of frail, white/gray heads with wheelchairs/walkers. they'd verify and ask me again if i was ms. kang. this was not normal. it sure as fuck wasn't because the doctors could not explain the reason as to why & what caused the sudden change in my heart. just some educated guesses.
the mystery of it all: i did not have rheumatic fever as a child. nor had ever have a history of a heart murmur or any other heart conditions. when i had bronchitis last year, was examined, had ekg & chest x-ray done, NOTHING was detected other than the fact my brochitis was borderlining pneumonia (thanks to the cigarettes) i truly believe i was cursed but that'll be a controversial story for another day.
so how is it that within a year, a person suddenly develops such a severe heart condition? it is just something i will never know and have just accepted but i will tell you this... it is NOT something i have had for a while and did not know about or was just not detected by previous physicians.
the reality of it all, i was 29 and was scheduled for heart surgery august 26, 2009. i was in denial, miserable being confined to the house... mostly in my bedroom because my family didn't want me to be exposed to germs that could make matters worse. the surgeons would not be able to perform the surgery if i had an infection of any kind. the time before surgery i was overwhelmed with bitterness, anger, depression to the point i got quite suicidal with my thoughts, i now realize this was all a blessing in disguise. i just had almost lost it with the will to live despite the luck i ran into.
my luck of finding out before it was all too late. i would've had about 5 years before my heart dilated to the point where it couldn't expand any further and just stop beating all together. my current cardiologist, dr. dennis kelly and surgeon dr. jock mccullough are truly my greatest angels in disguise. dr. kelly just kept me at ease & ultimately the one that recommended and spoke with my surgeon about my situation. i had no health insurance. what would've easily been over $100,000 (another cost of my wedding) everything came to less than one tenth of that with dr. mccullough taking my situation as a charity case and getting charity care from the hospital the very last minute. my surgeon was able to do a valve repair (not replacement) with port access procedure which was more cosmetically pleasing with smaller incisions underneath the right breast, through the rib cage and groin area. the standard way would've been a cut straight down the middle and sawing through of the breastbone not to mention a much longer recovery period.
i was in the ICU for 2 days, discharged from the hospital after a total of 4 days and recovered back to almost 100% at home the past month and a half. time could not have gone by slower forcing me to stare at reality in the face and really think about myself/life all together. there could not have been more of a crazier rollercoaster ride of emotions. though physically i am almost fully recovered, i have still a ways to go to recover emotionally and mentally. this has truly been a life altering experience and a wakeup call with many things. lastly, i could not have been more grateful for the love, prayers and support from the amazing doctors/surgeons/nurses, family, friends and others throughout this journey.
so thank you~
p.s. writing has always helped me in so many ways. though i always have something to write about, i stopped updating so frequently on xanga because i felt it was getting all too personal for me. i wanted to hide. in no way was this for the whole boo-hoo me factor but for me to share my experience. if there's one thing i can't stand is when people pity me. perhaps, i may be able to help someone out there even if it is not the same thing they are going through.
maybe for some you'll see the lesson in that your health/life/relationships should not be taken for granted. (because i am so guilty of all three!!) things happen where i will be tested. i'll experience more than the average person. it is more clear to me now more than ever. most of them will go & have gone unexplained and with no reason or answers. the whole point is how you finish and get through it. i can't go through shit in life if i can't comes to terms with it. i just need to accept sometimes it is what it is and it's up to me to make the most of it and come out on top.
again, i am not all quite there yet but i'm headed in that direction.....one step at a time.
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