i've always been strong when it came to relationships.  even stronger when it came to cutting my losses and moving on.  some called me cold-hearted even.  but, i've got to say this was a first.  where i let my guard down, gave my all not confident in knowing if i was going to get the same or even half in return. 

some may question, why did i do it then? 

i don't have the answer to it myself either.  i took a chance, a risk.  a definite first in where i loved someone and they didn't.  the thing is i didn't mean to fall in love.  he approached me out of no where.  when i least expected it.  things happened and not too shortly after we met, love happened.  i didn't realize it, couldn't even explain why.  but the point is i did.   

its funny to say that you lost something when it was never yours to begin with.  what's in a title???  nothing.and.everything.  almost 2 years with this man that refused to commit, show & admit to emotions even till' the very end.  even after i had laid everything out on the table.  before i went into the hospital for my surgery thinking it may be my very last, i had my best friend deliver a letter for me.  i was too much of a coward to give it to him myself.  a 9 page love letter that bared my raw heart & soul.  i remember holding a towel to my face with my right hand as i wrote with my left so my tears wouldn't stain the pages.  i wanted it to be perfect.  it was the first time i was being honest with him with my emotions in a year & half  'with' him.  i know he knew how i really felt about him just from my looks.  it was where i told him for the first time in words, leaving cold hard evidence, i whole-heartedly loved him.  i thought i had pretty much done most of the many firsts in life already.  he introduced me to another side of firsts. 

he wasn't there.  at my hardest times when i needed him the most.  when i wanted him the most.  it was bad enough to be dealing with the physical pain.  my life was on hold when everyone else was going on with theirs. even after the pain subsided, the emotional and mental pain was unbearable.  his actions spoke louder than his sweet words and texts.  it didn't really dawn on me till' recently.  i know, really pathetic.  disappointing even bc this is really not me which is why i chose to let go.  i had to.  it wasn't something i was ready or wanted to do but i really didn't have a choice.  i let it go for too long.  before i lost anymore respect for myself.... to think love can swallow you whole.  when it's not balanced, it's bound to happen i guess. 

it was beautiful while it lasted.  like i mentioned in my letter to him, i will always cherish and remember every moment with him.  but i can't keep knocking at a door that refuses to open.  it was just never going to be.  i deserve more!  if i was delusional enough to allow myself to think he loved and cared for me once, then i can surely convince myself that what i did was the right thing.  one.step.at.a.time.  hopefully, i'll realize it sooner than later.   

this is all a part of my healing process.  yes, my face is plastered on this site.  yes, i'm putting it out there regardless who may be reading this, who may recognize me in the street.  the thing i realize about all this, it isn't real if i can't be honest.  i can't reflect if i can't face my own truths. 

i.will.move.on.

"love is beautiful but is also known to cause blindness, mental illness, desensitize and loss of one's self.  not recommended for those that are weak and ALL should proceed with caution."      ~me
(in attempt to humor my own self so please laugh, this quote is meant to be funny~)

i was on the phone with my friend, moe earlier tonight. 

his attempt: 

to snap me back into reality and out of the pathetic hole (that resembles much like a grave) i've made for myself.  he slapped me with his words.  i was neither offended or hurt but appreciative of the fact that he cared enough to say the things he did.  it took me some time to get into this hole but i assure you, i will get out of it and back on my own two feet.  and for you, i'll try even harder to get out of it a bit faster.  when it comes to opinions and the truth, i'd much rather have one just say it than sugar coat it for me.  i'm a big girl.... i can handle it. 

it was then... something caught my attention on yahoo's frontpage about an orionid meteor shower.  it was a little past midnight and it was going to start around 1am until the predawn hours of today.  i was gonna drive up to the catskills.  knowing i was going by myself, moe talked me out of it after he had made the suggestion.  either way i was going to see a meteor shower... it's not like i was going to be able to sleep any time soon.   

my 1st attempt: 

hopped into my car and just started heading north on the palisades interstate parkway.  i specifically chose that route because the road is dark.  i had no idea where exactly i was going... wherever the road and my instinct would lead me.  i had evanescence blasting while i sang along, screaming my lungs out.  the songs were a perfect accompaniment to what seemed like never ending drive into an abyss with the silhouette of black trees.  this soooo should've been a scene in twilight.  anyways, i needed this.  i started getting text messages and HAD to respond while driving.  (yes, i know it's dangerous)  despite my skill of texting and driving, i found myself swerving a little so i got off an exit and continued to drive.  i had no idea where i was, ended up getting lost AND my battery was running low so i couldn't access navigation through my phone.  i managed to get back home after going round' in circles.  so much for the open road and instinct.   

my 2nd attempt:  (yes, there really was attempt #2)

i was so bummed and still so much wanted to see the meteor shower so i grabbed an extra battery to my phone, got directions to the area i wanted to go and headed out the door AGAIN.  seriously should've done this the first time.  i drove to the village of piermont and found a small parking lot with boats on it.  it was really dark.  almost perfect.  the sky wasn't completely clear.  some clouds here and there.  i shut off the engine, locked the doors and stayed inside the car.  rolled down my window and stuck my head out and looked up.  it was beautiful.  soooo many stars!  still had evanescence playing in the background but softly because i was in a residential area.  it actually started getting creepy so i shut the music off, rolled my window back up and decided to open the sun roof instead.  i kept imagining some fucker creeping up to my car smacking my head with a stick or reaching in to grab me.  i had to b-r-e-a-t-h-e and talk myself out of this crazy thought because it was ruining the moment.  i went back to waiting while reciting "starlight star bright bullshit" and made a wish on the brightest star.  (i am corny!  whatever!)  i'm not religious and if anything, lost a lot of faith... if not all when it comes to god but i started to have a conversation with him.  telling him what i wanted most, asking him questions, expressing my frustration/anger/resentment. 

i didn't see a meteor shower but i saw 13 shooting stars.  that itself was an amazing and enlightening experience.  i drove back home (relieved because to be honest, i was still a bit scared) with a stiff neck but was totally worth it.  i finally found some kind of contentment today. 

let's forward back several months... (mid-july 09')

i have been battling sickness again for almost 2 weeks now.  but i was a little smarter this time.  i stopped smoking cigarettes as soon as i realized i may have developed bronchitis yet again.  it was so bad last year i swore i'd never touch a cigarette again.  (some may remember my post on that)  i was convinced it had scared me enough.  apparently not.... but this year's bronchitis was different from the last.  i didn't start off with a sore throat.  i felt heavy chest congestion first, then the sore throat and the coughing from hell that made breathing an issue for me.  i went to a korean pharmacist told her my symptoms and was put on azithromycin.  (this without ever going to see a doctor or prescription note)  it took away the sore throat but the coughing got worse.  to the point where i couldn't sleep.  i had already been dealing with not being able to lay comfortable on my left side because i really couldn't breathe.  i found the only way was to prop myself with 3-4 pillows so that i slept practically sitting up.  being up all night due to coughing when all you want to sleep so desperately... not good.  i really can't imagine how it would've been if i had been lighting up during that time.  this went on for days, i was coughing up mucus that was definitely not normal color tinged with blood. 

july 29, 2009

after having yet another sleepless night due to the coughs, i thought i'd change location and go downstairs to the bedroom that was cooler.  the humidity just seemed to make it worse.  i fell asleep for a couple hours, woke to myself coughing again.  though there was a bathroom several steps in front of me, i chose to go to the one upstairs.  it was just my preference.  as soon as i stepped onto the second floor making my way up the flight of stairs, in between the coughs and thick cloud of humidity, i felt myself being choked almost.  i got to the bathroom gasping for air in between fear & panic.  i collapsed, banged my knees on the tiles hard, grabbing onto the edge of the tub with tears streaming down my face thinking, "oh my god~ i am going to die right here, all alone, all by myself."  immediately, what is reserved for bedtime only, i found myself praying to god, "please~ just not here."  i said it over and over again.  it was all i can say at the moment.  minutes later, i was hysterical on the phone with my mom telling her i needed to go see a doctor today. 

4something pm...

after what seemed like forever in the waiting room, i was finally called in.  i explained to the doctor, why i had  come in, my symptoms for the past two weeks and the medication that i had taken from the pharmacy.  he then took his stethoscope to listen to my heart beat.  he repeated this several times, more than what i was used to during an exam looking confused, cocking his head from side to side as if his hearing was off.  before i can ask the genius question of , "is something wrong?"  he said that my heart murmur was really loud.  now i sat there completely puzzled and told him quietly i never had a murmur before.  he looked really surprised, rolled his chair over to the phone and quickly dialed a number.  he was telling a cardiologist my situation and was scheduling an appointment.  he scribbled down an address and told me that this doctor was expecting me, to forget about paying him and to go now. 

5 something pm....

i'm thinking,"what the fuck is going on?"  i get to the cardiologist's office.  his staff has left for the day and he had remained after business hours to see me.  he had me fill out some paper work and then did an exam by listening my heart.  he said the same thing as the last doctor, that my heart murmur was really loud.  he ran an ekg and then needed to run one more test...think sonogram for your heart.  i laid down faced a wall and had my back towards the doctor and my mom during my echocardiogram.  he was explaining in korean what was going on.  minus a few words here and there.. i understood everything.  "this is the problem, this valve here should be shutting like a door but the flaps aren't lining up correctly causing the blood to leak and flow in the opposite direction.  this is causing fluid to trap in the lungs, problems with her breathing and coughs.  with something this severe, you guys should've just gone to the ER.......

she needs surgery......."